What [crazy sh*t] I did over my summer vacation

Although I'm not going to recount verbatim everything I did this summer (my parents are definitely going to read this, thanks for being my #1 fans Han and Bob) here's a consolidated list.  If you want to know the complete story, you can befriend me & win over my trust enough for me to add you back on Snapchat. Now, if we go on a date, I'll have to impress you with my encyclopedic knowledge of Arrested Development or Avril Lavigne lyrics.

May:  

  • Moved into a sublease I found on Craigslist. 
  • Went to Facebook HQ
  • Did a site specific dance down a 45 degree hill 
  • Met the creator of $1 stories at a Kari Faux x American Two Shot Party, bought a story from him for $1, discussed Courrèges jackets, never saw him again.  
  • Tried on a vintage Halston gown at A Current Affair and didn't make it to my cousin's dance recital because I got stuck in the dress, had to be cut out of it, and the process took about an hour (bright side, did not have to pay for said dress).
  • Started three jobs
  • Participated in Angela Dawes' Humane project after being awake for close to three consecutive days 
  • Was paid to be the door opener at a surprise party in the Village, encountered Wallace Shawn on one of the occasions I opened the door, had to suppress fangirling for him more than almost any other celebrity I've ever been in close proximity to 

June:

  • Met someone in a coffee shop on national doughnut day, made them take a picture of me with my hibiscus doughnut because they had the best angle, went on a date with them a week later, ghosted them the week after that.
  • Got the number of a subway performer 
  • Went to the Obliteration Room, changed into white outfit in line for optimal photo op
  • Went to Holy Mountain 
  • Got Tinder
  • Went on a Tinder date and lived to tell the tale 
  • Gave Kelly Osbourne some cotton candy at a pride party, encountered her the following night at a Chinatown launch for an urban surfing magazine that we agreed was more like a goth bar mitzvah, talked pizza, she's a great gal.
  • Almost lost all of my most valuable possessions at the Gramercy Park Hotel concierge desk that same night, made a friend while crying about this in the bathroom who invited me to do some drugs which I VERY POLITELY DECLINED, (but accepted his offer of fancy bottled water) was essentially wearing pajamas and glasses during the aforementioned activities, found my possessions (minus my keys), was completely locked out at an ungodly hour, slept in my aunt and uncle's lobby because they have a 24 hour doorman, did not tell them that I was there, met some neighbors with Scotties while sitting on my stoop, later found my keys, forgotten under my couch the last time I had been home, which was 48 hours prior.
  • Marched in the NYC Pride Parade
  • Saw Ingrid Michaelson in concert a fifth time
  • Delivered a cake to Meek Mill
  • Made a friend during an elevator ride to the top floor of Strand bookstore to see Petra Collins & friends discuss Babe

July:

  • Somehow ended up in a room where HAIM was DJing, when we crossed paths I gestured with the oversized tennis racquet I was holding and wished them a happy Wimbledon.
  • Crashed an exclusive event, made some new friends.
  • Filled ketchup and mustard bottles for celebrities, found evidence on BFA the following day that they did in fact use the condiment dispensers I lovingly crafted for them. 
  • Discovered that one man seems to have a monopoly on the booking of little people in the greater New York City area (he has five websites for any possible occasion). 
  • Helped a bride (a stranger) say yes to the dress 
  • Went to Dimes about four times
  • Sotheby's previews have the best cheese puff sticks on this side of the Atlantic.
  • Brought a friend on a Tinder date, miraculously encountered another one when I wanted it to end, had faith renewed in the possible realism of coincidental trans-borough encounters as portrayed on Gossip Girl .
  • Met love of life at Humphrey Slocombe, counted on parents' aimless photography skills to capture said individual in atmospheric shot, they did not disappoint. 
  • Bonded with an influential dog

August

  • Was an extra in a Versace x Lil Buck video 
  • Went to Dimes about five times
  • Successfully flirted with strangers for pizza, then witnessed a girl contemplate, then steal different pizza from a group of dudes and book it at least two blocks further then she had to, proceeded to eat new pizza all around with group of dudes and I think we had a conversation about watches.
  • Encountered my mom's best friend and her entire family on the High Line (they're from Virginia, hadn't seen them in five years), went to Wo Hop with them.  
  • Went to Babeland with a girl I'd known for 24 hours (fast friend, it was very educational)
  • Danced in an art gallery at 3 am & received free doughnuts
  • Danced with Alexander Wang for a solid 25/30 min, only realized/remembered it was him in retrospect
  • Pretended it was my birthday at Panna II
  • Made some wonderful friends, met the guy with the cat on his head with one of them 
  • Successfully moved self out of two story walk up in record heatwave, befriended employees of local UPS store in process, only got one scar from injuries sustained while throwing boxes and self down stairs. 
  • At this point I was a regular at Blue Bottle and Party City
  • Saw Yoga Jean while eating a bagel in one of the islands with benches in the middle of the street on the UWS
  • Became a hair model 
  • Found a store that only sells pencils on the Lower East Side
  • Took up kickboxing
  • Trained for an AA Rated Horse Show
  • Witnessed THIS: 

There's a good chance you don't care about any of this, but there's also a good chance you're as nosy as I am and find it entertaining and will subsequently backstalk me on Instagram until you inevitably see a picture of how hot my mom was in the 80's. 



Anya SchulmanComment